Doubt. I began to doubt myself as a young child. Being of a different race in a small and rather monochromatic town and school system had its definite drawbacks. I was continuously self conscious of my differences. The few children of my race generally didn’t have “best” friends; we were lucky just to have casual friendships. We were seen as “less than” because our skin tones weren’t “clean and white” and our hair wasn’t smooth and shiny. I learned to hate my differences. I felt I had to be apologetic for what I was (not who I was, mind you). I loved the story of “the Ugly Duckling”, and I hoped one day to grow into a beautiful swan….
Now it is years later. I am struggling to bring my doubts about myself and my abilities under control. I am working on loving the me I am. I am working on my “swan-ship”.
I am sure every one of us have some kind of story about doubt within. Some have greater or fewer doubts than others. We all have stories, because that is what it means to be human. Humans are rather fickle creatures, and we hurt and inflict pain on one another without thought or consideration. Few of us are taught to love rather than judge others for their differences – whether these differences are broad or minute. Few of us are taught to see the beauty differences bring. So we each must work to get over and past ourselves.
My childhood school days hurt and I felt full of loneliness. I became afraid to get too involved in friendships, because they had the inevitable disappointing ending. That loneliness spurred doubt in the veracity of my being. I began to feel I had to continually prove myself “worthy”.
However, doubts are self inflicted. My doubts stem from the negative conversations in my mind where I hurt myself anew, over and over again. I am, with the help and encouragement from my Higher Self and guides, learning to first become aware of the negative conversations that take place in my mind, to recognize these negative thoughts, and replace them with loving thoughts. Yes, definitely easier said than done. It is a process.
I am presently being released from my very part-time minimal wage job at the local nature center where I have been working as some non-descript combination of receptionist, general office assistant, and sometimes very part-time volunteer coordinator. I do not like this job as I have not been permitted to tap into any of my natural or trained skills. Yet this center struggles, and I can see many of its weak points. But the focus of those who run the center is on maintaining and surviving, not improving. These efforts have thus far not been successful, and so my position can no longer be afforded. And now they want someone else with more skill! So I struggle with this not being a judgement against myself. I struggle with not making this a judgement to myself. I am working on changing my inner conversations to point to the new opportunity my new-found free time affords me. This new-found free time now allows me to focus entirely on my passion, which is to write and teach. And expand my skills to do just that.
I am learning again and again that life’s challenges and seeming disappointments are always, always open opportunities for positive change – if I choose to see it that way and seek out the benefits of the supposed disappointments. I am learning life really is about perspective: I can see the glass as half full (abundance) or half empty (lack or scarcity). It is all my choice! So I am looking forward to my new-found freedom, and ready to spread my broad swan wings for take off. Namaste.